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It's been three weeks since my last post. Three weeks of hell, three weeks of sorrow, three weeks of heartbreak. Let's go back to Christmas Eve, my HCG levels go from 10 to 40-- two days later they nearly triple, another two days double, ditto in another two days. During this whole time I'm still bleeding and extremely stressed out. Not knowing the viable/ not viable answer was killing me-- I had a knot in my shoulder the size of Rhode Island. I insisted on a ultrasound on Dec 26th-- I knew they wouldn't be able to see a sac, but I wanted to see if they could tell me what the bleeding was all about. I was told my uterus lining looked thin-- not something you would see in a "normal" pregnancy. I walked out of there thinking at least I had an answer-- later they called to tell me my hcg levels were rising and further the Doctor on call didn't feel we could rule out viable pregnancy--- what? So I was back to having no answers-- great.

On December 30th I again went in for another blood draw and ultrasound, this time to my doctor office (rather than the weekend office). Later that afternoon, I found out my levels were continuing to rise, but my doctor felt the pregnancy wasn't viable. Despite having been told my levels were rising appropriately, I found out that, yes, my uterus lining was too thin for a pregnancy and my levels should be higher for where I was at in my pregnancy. Information that would have been helpful to know throughout this process. I appreciate the nurses trying to give me hope by telling me that many women bleed in their first trimester, etc. However, I think I would have been better served by a more guarded/ realistic consultation. I mean afterall, this was my 4th pregnancy-- none of which have been successful, so I think I know a "not viable" pregnancy when I see it. But at least I finally had an answer--sure it wasn't the answer I wanted andquestions remained...but I could cross viable pregnancy off the list. So George and I brought in the new year mourning the inevitable loss of my 4th pregnancy and at the same time flipping off 2009: the worst year of my life with 3 failed pregnancies.

So we knew it was bad, but how bad? I felt this very well could end up as another ectopic-- I mean my bleeding pattern was identical to the previous ectopic, though less severe and my hcg levels were continuing to rise. January 2nd 3 a.m.-- I awoke to discomfort in my abdomen and back-- I laid in bed for an hour debating what to do. I woke my husband and called the Doctor on call. I think what I needed was to be talked off the cliff, instead the Doc pushed me off--telling me to go to the ER. I knew I wasn't emergent but I couldn't risk losing my remaining tube. So off to the ER we went where they confirmed ectopic. The good news is that my tube didn't appear to be rupturing. The Doc on call came in (five hours after we arrived) and offered 3 options: 1) Do nothing (huh? like that's an option) 2) Surgery-- no guarantee of saving tube and 3) Methotrexate injection (a chemo drug used to treat certain cancers). I chose the methotrexate option. The Doc then proceeds to tell me "you know...after you had the first ectopic, your chances of having a second went up 15%" "Yes, yes I know that" I responded. He continues-- "so, now that you've had 2, your chances of having a 3rd are 30%." "Yup. Knew that one as well." "so, yeah, I might not do anymore IUIs..." he says. Gee, you think???? And is this seriously the right time to discuss this?? Can I just get through this current crisis first????? WTF. I finally get the shot and the best part? I make my massage appointment. May not sound like a whole lot or appropriate--but this massage was the only thing I was looking forward to for 2 weeks. 80 minute deep tissue and boy did I need it.

The downside to the methotrexate is: this isn't over. I continue to wait. I continue to tread water unable to move forward. Side effects to the drug have been manageable-- nausea, fatigue, general blah. Just this week a less common side effect emerged: acne. Again, WTF. Acne? Are you fucking serious? I feel like a pre-pubescent teen-- if only my reproductive system was that of a pimply teen. Another downside to the drug is no alcohol. Talk about a time when I need a damn drink and I can't have one. Nor have I been told when I can expect to be able to have one. This process could take another month--another month of treading water.