The Emotions of Infertility

The emotions one feels when going through any type of fertility issue is vast and complex. On any given day I can feel grief, disappointment, shame, anger, resentment, sorrow all at the same time. Sorting through that can be tough if not impossible. Two emotions I want to focus on for this post are shame and anger.

Shame.
I first recognized this when we started to see a fertility specialist. I remember telling a friend I was feeling this way and I thought her head was going to explode. "What????" she exclaimed.
"You have NOTHING to be ashamed about." She, too, had gone through her own infertility issues. Later she told me when she thought about it, she realized she, too, had feelings of shame--- she just wasn't self-aware enough to recognize it at the time. Intellectually I know I have nothing to be ashamed about--- but here I am still experiencing feelings of shame. I suppose the shame comes from the notion that every woman, should she so choose, can have a baby. For most women it works that way, they decide, they get pregnant, they have a baby. On the surface it seems like something simple, something every woman should be able to do-- so when you can't you're left thinking; What's wrong with me? Why can't I succeed at this? Teenage girls can do this, drug addicts can do this, women "accidentally" do this all the time. Not me... I can't do it. The fact is it's really amazing anyone gives birth at all--- I mean all conditions have to be just right for an egg to be fertilized, implanted and successfully become a bouncing baby. I have no answer on how to best deal with this emotion, I suppose it is different for everyone. I still have these feelings of shame, I know this because of how I felt when I found out strangers and friends were being told of my latest "event." I know this because of the trepidation I felt starting a blog and the thought of people I know reading it. My first post on this blog mentioned there was some comfort in anonymity. What a difference a month makes. I refuse to feel shame anymore. Shame has helped infertility control my life. Fuck that. I'm taking my power back. I will not hide my infertility issue like it is some dirty little secret. A first step in helping me to accomplish this will be not to hide my blog-- I may not put it on my Facebook page, at least not yet, but I will start letting friends and certain family members of its existence.

Anger
I like this emotion. That might make me sound a bit off, but it helps me feel powerful. Yes, I'm angry. I'm pissed off. I'm pissed off that this is happening to me. I'm pissed off that we can't seem to catch a break. I'm pissed off that half of my office is fucking pregnant. I'm pissed off that half my friends are pregnant. I'm pissed off that twice this past week I was asked at work "when are you going to get pregnant? There must be something in the water in your office. Ha ha." I'm pissed off that teenage girls, drug addicts, and women who don't want it, get pregnant. I'm pissed off that I've had 2 miscarriages and 2 ectopic pregnancies. I'm so pissed off I say--"Fuck You Infertility." Sometimes I think you have to get angry to get your power back and that's where I'm at-- I'll let you know if it is successful.

In coping with these and other emotions, I've found myself connecting to various songs that either speak to an emotion that I'm feeling or motivates me to tap my foot thereby releasing me from the emotion that I'm feeling, even if for a minute. One song that accomplishes both is "Bloody November" by oh my stars. The song's first line is: "You say I'm angry, yeah pretty much but be glad I'm not all exploding all up in your guts cause I could..." Of course as I write this I realize this might make me seem a bit too angry and perhaps a bit psychotic--but in all seriousness, it is a good song-- one that I definitely tap my foot to and quite honestly sometimes I do feel that angry. I would love to scream that line at infertility.