More tears and more waiting.

Here I thought I would know the answer by now, but I should know that when it comes to this, we can't seem to catch a break. I woke up around 2am on Tuesday morning and decided to try the digital test-- the frickin' thing didn't work. Completely dead. So I woke up around 6am and tried it again-- this time I had both the cheap test and the digital test ready to go-- the digital test worked. The result: Pregnant. Excuse me? Pregnant? WTF? I've been spotting since Sunday and it's getting heavier. In my experience, bleeding and pregnancy doesn't mean happy things. I went to the Doc's and got my blood drawn--my HCG is a lousy 10. Considered a pregnancy--just barely. So now I'm on bed rest due to the bleeding and will go in for another draw on Christmas Eve and will know what direction my HCG levels are going that afternoon (Merry Christmas to me). I've found myself having conversations with this egg-- urging it to persevere, but with the bleeding is it too late? How can this turn out to be a positive outcome? I'm having tremendous difficulty seeing it. I think the likely outcome will be another miscarriage and the worst case scenario is of course another ectopic. I find it interesting that a few months ago the worst case scenario would have been a miscarriage, but recent experiences have taught me different. So I cry and I wait some more...

Heartbreak?

I started to spot last night....my heart sank. While some folks will say spotting isn't unusual in pregnancy-- for me it means one of two things (afterall this isn't my first time down this road-- this is my 5th IUI): a) the obvious-- not pregnant and b) ectopic (as that is my most recent experience with spotting as the first symptom). I took a pregnancy test this morning and it was negative. I looked at it later and convinced myself you could see a faint vertical line (which is what I get for being cheap and not using the more expensive digital tests). This scenario also happened to me in one of my previous pregnancies, the test came in faint at first, then stronger, of course it ended in miscarriage, but that is a mere detail. So where do I stand now? Well, while my head is certain, my heart is not. Perhaps this is a coping mechanism-- allowing my heart to ease into the pain. Nevertheless, certainty will come in a couple of days.

Oh, and I'll use a digital pregnancy test, so there will be no question.

Waiting

So, this is the inaugural post to my first blog. I have to admit I'm a bit apprehensive about putting all my crap out there-- but there is some comfort in anonymity. What is my quest? I guess ultimately my quest is for a family, but for now I'd settle for relief, closure and moving forward. That's a tall order as anyone going through infertility knows. I've been on this quest for 2 1/2 years now and after 2 miscarriages and a recent life-threatening ectopic (resulting in the removal of one of my fallopian tubes), I'm exhausted, but I march on. We are on try 2 of 3 IUIs with injectibles-- I take a pregnancy test the 23rd and am apprehensive of the results--whether it be positive or negative. Apprehensive that if its negative I will fall apart and go to a dark place that will not be easy to return from. Apprehensive that if it is positive I'll be waiting for the other shoe to drop--Will I have another miscarraige? Will it be another ectopic? On and on it goes....and intellectually I know this line of thinking isn't helpful-- but its my reality. That's not to say I don't have moments of hope, I do-- in fact I wouldn't be putting my body and soul through this if I didn't have at least a little bit of hope.

So I try to take it day by day, moment by moment, deep breath in and deep breath out...that's all I can do.