It was our third of three IUIs. The day before I was to take a pregnancy test, I started to bleed. My heart sunk, I thought the IUI failed-- AGAIN. I remember being upset and telling George my concern that if we can't get pregnant with all this help then it was never going to happen. I remember being relieved and annoyed I didn't have solace as my brother and his kids were in town visiting-- all this, one year ago.
About 7 to 10 days later I was still bleeding-- I remember thinking how odd that was, but given the Clomid and the stress I figured no wonder my cycle was "off." It was a Friday when I nearly called the doctor's office about my irregular period, but then I thought, "Let's not be paranoid or over react." That night my breasts started to hurt and dread came over me. Saturday morning I took a pregnancy test and immediately started to bawl--- positive... it was fucking positive and with all the bleeding I knew something was wrong. I called the doctor's office and was told to immediately come down to the office. The office open on Saturday was about a 45 minute drive-- and boy was it a long one. They drew blood, I asked for an ultrasound and wasn't given one. The nurse told me "Plenty of women have implantation bleeding." In between sobs I told her I know what implantation bleeding is (had it with pregnancy number #1) and THIS period-like bleeding for 10 days is NOT FUCKING IMPLANTATION BLEEDING!!!!!! I wanted to scream at her-- "I KNOW SOMETHING IS WRONG!!!!" I walked out of there with no ultrasound and no piece of mind. When the HCG results came back, they came back strong. I don't remember what the numbers were exactly and I suppose the specific numbers don't matter. I was told to go to my usual doctor office on Monday for another blood draw. Sunday night I noticed a discomfort on the left side of my lower back-- an ominous sign. All this, one year ago.
That Monday morning, I went in for my blood draw and asked to talk to a nurse. When she saw me she greeted me with a big "Congratulations!" My response was "Really? Cause I'm not quite feeling that." I explained the events of the last couple of weeks and mentioned the recent back pain, which I was still feeling. I remember her telling me to let her know if the pain turned into sharp stabbing pain. I remember thinking "Errrrrr...oooookkkkkaaaaaayyyyyy....that's an odd thing to say when you're telling me there is nothing to worry about." I remember telling George after the doctor visit "You watch, it'll be an ectopic" and his response "Way to be positive, Angie." All this, one year ago.
Later that day, my pain became more noticeable, but still wasn't a sharp stabbing pain rather a dull aching pain. The Doctor's office called in the afternoon and asked if I could come in for an ultrasound. "Finally...some answers!" I thought. I knew my feeling of bad news was confirmed when I saw the look on the technician's face. She explained what she was seeing--- she pointed to the dark spots on the ultrasound and said that was blood pooling. Even with that, the severity of the situation didn't register. I remember her asking me when was the last time I ate-- another ominous sign. I remember thinking, how nice of her to check to see if I'm hungry. I still didn't get it. All this, one year ago.
I remember texting George, "Confirmed ectopic, waiting for Doctor." His response was something like "Bummer, you ok?" I didn't have time to respond because the Doctor came in. With each sentence she uttered it landed like a punch to my face, I felt my head recoil with each blow. She confirmed the ectopic and mentioned I would need surgery-- BAM!--first blow. I remember still not getting it- as I was thinking "ok, later in the week looks good for me." But the Doctor continued-- "We can't let you leave, you need surgery immediately. Your fallopian tube has started to rupture resulting in internal bleeding which is causing your back pain--BAM! --second blow-- this is the blow that lead to the lightbulb illuminating-- now I was getting it and the shock started to set in. "There is a possibility you may loose your tube," she said --BAM!!-- final blow. I started to cry-- I remember saying "I would have been better off never getting pregnant." The thing I wanted most happened but quickly became a curse-- all this, one year ago.
While I was being delivered the news, George googled ectopic and realized how serious the situation was-- he was already getting ready to leave work when I called. The Doctor's office was busy trying to get surgery time scheduled and I was left to sit in a room to take it all in. I went into a practical thinking mode: What about the dogs? George will have to stop home and take care of the dogs. Should I ask a neighbor to drive George? Having two cars at the hospital would be inconvenient. I needed to ask George to call my Mom. Guess I should call my boss and let him know I won't be in for awhile. All these things were going through my mind-- I did call my neighbor and ask her to drive George to the hospital, I called my boss to let him know I was going into surgery that night and didn't know when I would be back to work. I called George to update him.
I was then walked over to the hospital for admittance, by this time my back pain progressed making it difficult to stand up straight. There I was by myself waiting for surgery... it was unclear whether George would make it in time and I never felt more alone. I called my friend Chris who dropped everything to come and sit with me--I was so grateful. George also made it with only minutes to spare. The Doctor and Anesthesiologist were walking through the surgery-- a laparoscopy. They explained my abdomen would be filled with gas, they would make to two incisions one on each side and remove my tube. I remember grabbing the Doctor's arm and asking her to back up, pointing out she said I would definitely loose my tube. She paused and said "Yes, remember we talked about this?" I started to tear up and responded "Yes, but I left that conversation thinking there was a bit more hope." I remember looking at George and Chris, Chris was crying as well and George looked grim-- all this, one year ago.
The great thing about laparoscopy is, barring no complications, they send you home to recover once you are conscious. When I awoke, George and Chris came back to recovery. I remember the look on George's face when he saw me. He went pale and had a forced smile, but his eyes were filled with concern. I remember Chris commenting that I had no color. It wasn't until George was helping me get dressed that I caught sight of myself in the mirror and understood his reaction. I was indeed white as a ghost and my face was very swollen-- not looking my best! I was home by 10 that night, with Vicodin and prescription strength Ibuprofen in hand. My recovery took two weeks-- longer than I anticipated but went well overall. One side effect of the laparoscopy is the effect of the gas left behind. Often, not all of the Carbon Dioxide is able to be extracted from the abdomen, the gas left rises and can cause pain throughout the back and shoulders. This happened to me and honestly was the worst pain I ever felt. No amount of painkillers would get rid of it, the pain went up my spine and through my shoulders. When I moved, tears would stream down my face. This only lasted about a day and once over my physical recovery progressed. At the post-operation visit with the Doctor I remember asking her thoughts on why the ectopic got so bad so quick-- typically ectopics become life-threatening at 9 weeks and I was only at 5 1/2. She told me she thought it likely I had more than one fertilized egg in the tube. Ouch...yet one more thing to add to the heartache-- all this, one year ago.
George and I started to see a therapist to help make sense of this event and to help us deal with the emotions of infertility. I remember being surprised at the feeling I wasn't done with trying. But as the months progressed, it became clear this one event caused us to diverge from the path we were on. And when I refer to the "event," I am not just referring to the ectopic-- but everything else that came with it-- the severity of it, the life-threatening nature of it, the shock of it. The resulting path led us to the end of fertility treatments and to the realization that pregnancy isn't in the cards. Life-changing to say the least.
All this, one year ago.
