Wow, time flies. Didn't quite realize it had been so long since the last post. During me time away I found out my HCG levels are continuing to decline (last week they were 38) and I turned another year older...39. I can't say the latter was a celebrated event. I anticipated being in a much different place than where I currently am. Last year at this time I was only a couple of months into pursuing fertility treatment. I had hope. I had been scarred by only one miscarriage. I had no idea what grief I was in store for in the coming months.
I've been chewing on something from my last therapist appointment. I mentioned my frustration at the feelings of desperation I was experiencing. I described I was feeling almost manic, wild-eyed at my need to hold onto some hope or illusion that pregnancy will happen for me. I was angry and frustrated at myself for this, I want to be able to move forward and these feelings of desperation postpone it. I relate desperation to weakness. I want to be able to move forward and accept my fate with strength...with grace (if that's possible). My therapist asked one question that has stuck with me... "Where is your compassion for yourself?" My response: "Huh? Compassion for myself? Why would I have compassion for myself?" Frankly, it never occurred to me to allow it. I'm much better at beating myself up, that's what I know....I'm not sure I know how to have compassion for myself. But it's something I probably should work on because I know I won't be able to close this chapter until I do.
I had my consultation and Mayan Massage today. I walked out of there feeling good, as if my body said "this is what I've been waiting for." I don't know if I'm completely buying into all of it at this point or if anything will come of it, but on the surface it makes some sense to me that your body can become out of whack over time and if at the very least this experience can provide me with some tools to assist in my search of peace, then what the heck.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Monday, February 1, 2010
Slow progress but progress nonetheless...
Last week I received another bit of good news in that my levels continue to go down, albeit slowly. It would appear I am out of the woods. Additionally I was given the green light to partake in alcoholic beverages. That night George and I toasted to the milestone, one beer later I was ready for bed! Slowly but surely I am returning to some normalcy.
Admittedly my emotions are all over the board-- while I am looking forward to not living my life based on what day it is in my cycle there is sadness in the finality of ending the fertility treatments and of letting hope of a successful pregnancy go. I don't know if I will be able to let go of the latter. I think I will always cling to at least a little bit of hope that it'll work out-- some day. Unfortunately at this point I think I'm clinging to desperation rather than hope-- not enough time has passed to let that transition occur. My therapist mentioned writing a letter of goodbye to our biological child--- besides the obvious feelings of grief and sadness this thought brings me, I am also terrified. Terrified first, to even go though--- the pure anguish this exercise would cause makes me want to avoid it at all cost. Terrified second, because I don't know if I'm ready to say goodbye, or ready to stop trying (key the desperation). This is tough to make sense of, not even sure I can. When I say I'm not ready to stop trying, I don't mean fertility treatments--- I am done with that-- but I can't help but think I've had natural pregnancies where the egg implanted where it was suppose to....sure it miscarried, but it traveled from the tube to the uterus. Or are all these feelings of "not done trying" merely a method of self protection in order to avoid the letter writing exercise. Regardless, I clearly have a way to go before I am ready to move on.
On a recommendation of a friend, I have decided to try Mayan Massage. The premise here is for a variety of reasons, a woman's uterus can sometimes fall out of position a bit causing an array of issues-- PMS, miscarriages, infertility, blood circulation issues (varicose and spider veins), digestive issues etc. Often the woman is told "you're uterus is tipped, but you have nothing to worry about." Well, I'm one of those women that have been told such and am curious to learn more. The Mayan Massage works to get your organs back in line so to speak thus improving some of the issues listed above. I certainly don't have the expectation that all my infertility issues will be resolved, but I also have nothing to lose at this point-- at a minimum I receive a relaxing massage and if something else comes of it, such as PMS relief, bonus!
Admittedly my emotions are all over the board-- while I am looking forward to not living my life based on what day it is in my cycle there is sadness in the finality of ending the fertility treatments and of letting hope of a successful pregnancy go. I don't know if I will be able to let go of the latter. I think I will always cling to at least a little bit of hope that it'll work out-- some day. Unfortunately at this point I think I'm clinging to desperation rather than hope-- not enough time has passed to let that transition occur. My therapist mentioned writing a letter of goodbye to our biological child--- besides the obvious feelings of grief and sadness this thought brings me, I am also terrified. Terrified first, to even go though--- the pure anguish this exercise would cause makes me want to avoid it at all cost. Terrified second, because I don't know if I'm ready to say goodbye, or ready to stop trying (key the desperation). This is tough to make sense of, not even sure I can. When I say I'm not ready to stop trying, I don't mean fertility treatments--- I am done with that-- but I can't help but think I've had natural pregnancies where the egg implanted where it was suppose to....sure it miscarried, but it traveled from the tube to the uterus. Or are all these feelings of "not done trying" merely a method of self protection in order to avoid the letter writing exercise. Regardless, I clearly have a way to go before I am ready to move on.
On a recommendation of a friend, I have decided to try Mayan Massage. The premise here is for a variety of reasons, a woman's uterus can sometimes fall out of position a bit causing an array of issues-- PMS, miscarriages, infertility, blood circulation issues (varicose and spider veins), digestive issues etc. Often the woman is told "you're uterus is tipped, but you have nothing to worry about." Well, I'm one of those women that have been told such and am curious to learn more. The Mayan Massage works to get your organs back in line so to speak thus improving some of the issues listed above. I certainly don't have the expectation that all my infertility issues will be resolved, but I also have nothing to lose at this point-- at a minimum I receive a relaxing massage and if something else comes of it, such as PMS relief, bonus!
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