A new appreciation for me.

George and I have been going through our homestudy, which is a necessary step in the adoption process. For the last and final meeting George and I met individually with the social worker. Prior to that meeting we had to fill out various questionnaires. The questions focus on describing our childhood, our relationships with our parents at various times growing up, drug and alcohol abuse, issues in our marriage and so on. I had a lot of trouble answering many of the questions-- these weren't fill in the blank questions, rather check the box (es) that best describe blank-- for instance check the box(es) that best describe you as a child. Shouldn't be too difficult, right? I did not have a Norman Rockwell-esque childhood and I struggled with how honest to be when answering questions. I didn't want to jeopardize our chances of becoming parents. For instance, describing myself as a child-- I really don't remember how I was as a child-- I don't remember being happy, I don't remember being sad, I don't remember being carefree, I simply don't remember. Describe your relationship with your dad-- I had 30 to40 adjectives to choose from, yet none of them seemed to quite fit-- I marked the box "other" and hand wrote "complicated". It seemed every other question caused me considerable pause as I struggled to answer. In the end, I was as honest as I could be. While I came to terms with things from my childhood and adolescence many years ago, its still not something I enjoy rehashing.

Sitting with the social worker and talking through my answers, was emotional to say the least-- we sat there for almost 90 minutes. George's session lasted 30 minutes. George did have a Norman Rockwell childhood-- he really did. To his knowledge there were never any problems or issues-- everything was just fine. Of course that wasn't the case, but he never knew that--his parents never fought in front of him and shielded him from virtually every and any potential conflict. This tactic, while well meaning, created a different set of issues as George emerged into adulthood-- but for all intent and purposes, George's childhood was happy and carefree.

My discussion with the social worker led to a light bulb moment-- as we went through my life talking through everything, I realized on paper I have every right to be unstable-- but I'm not, I have every right to be beat down--but I'm not, I have every right to be in need of serious therapy--but I'm not. I am resilient. I am strong. I have taken every punch life has thrown at me and I'm still standing tall and proud. I feel wiser beyond my years and I am certain all these things will make me a better parent.