Remembrances of Infertility: Miscarraige #2 March 2009

When we finally started trying again after the first miscarriage the biggest problem I thought we've have is controlling our fear of miscarriage when I got pregnant again-- which surely would happen in short order. But that didn't happen and when it didn't, my OB/GYN suggested we go to a specialist. We had been going to see an infertility specialist for a couple of months-- most of that time was focused on a diagnosis, which of course there was none. I fell into the category of "unexplained infertility." I had just completed the Clomide challenge and we decided to take advantage of the Clomide and try our first IUI, which failed. To further the frustration we could not do another cycle right away because I had a cyst on my ovary. With that, George and I decided to give it a whirl naturally...and it worked... I was pregnant. I remember taking a pregnancy test early and initially not seeing a double line. Later when I looked I saw a very faint line. I took another, this time the line was not as faint but still questionable. I wasn't messing around with the third test, I went digital this time and when the hour glass finished I saw the words "pregnant." I was excited, scared, apprehensive and above all cautious. I remember thinking what great timing-- we hadn't yet invested a lot of money, time and emotion into fertility treatments. My Doctor mentioned it was not uncommon for the effects of Clomide to linger and likely assisted in my getting pregnant. George was thrilled, immediately starting "Googling" daycares-- which is interesting, as I am the planner in the family, the one that looks ahead-- and here he was planning for something a year out. He wanted to tell his Mom and Dad-- I hesitated...I asked if we could wait until we saw the heartbeat. I wanted to wait until we made it at least that far. I remember driving to a blood draw appointment and telling George that I didn't "feel" pregnant and how that concerned me-- George admonished me for not being positive. I responded this wasn't about being positive, this was about how I was feeling. As it turned out, my intuition was correct. My HCG levels were no longer increasing. The whole "pregnancy" lasted all of 10 days or so, but that didn't lessen the heartache. With that news all I had to do was wait for the miscarriage-- which came about a week later. If I am going to compare miscarriages, the first would be in the devastating category, this one was a step or two below. Was it that I was more prepared? I don't know. I think with the first I felt like I had been to hell and back emotionally speaking-- it truly was the shattering of innocence. This was something less that that. What dealt me a deeper blow was when I returned to work to discover a co-worker was pregnant-- her first. That started an emotional tailspin for me. I started asking all those useless questions: Why her? Why not me? I remember thinking I take better care of myself than her, I'm healthier, I'm more fit, I'm thinner-- all the things that really don't mean a hell of a whole lot-- I mean drug addicts get pregnant and can carry a baby to term-- certainly my body is a better suited? Bottomline is when your body betrays you, you look for the why. Unfortunately, the why often remains elusive--a lesson I would continue to be challenged with in my third and fourth failed pregnancies.