Last week I received another bit of good news in that my levels continue to go down, albeit slowly. It would appear I am out of the woods. Additionally I was given the green light to partake in alcoholic beverages. That night George and I toasted to the milestone, one beer later I was ready for bed! Slowly but surely I am returning to some normalcy.
Admittedly my emotions are all over the board-- while I am looking forward to not living my life based on what day it is in my cycle there is sadness in the finality of ending the fertility treatments and of letting hope of a successful pregnancy go. I don't know if I will be able to let go of the latter. I think I will always cling to at least a little bit of hope that it'll work out-- some day. Unfortunately at this point I think I'm clinging to desperation rather than hope-- not enough time has passed to let that transition occur. My therapist mentioned writing a letter of goodbye to our biological child--- besides the obvious feelings of grief and sadness this thought brings me, I am also terrified. Terrified first, to even go though--- the pure anguish this exercise would cause makes me want to avoid it at all cost. Terrified second, because I don't know if I'm ready to say goodbye, or ready to stop trying (key the desperation). This is tough to make sense of, not even sure I can. When I say I'm not ready to stop trying, I don't mean fertility treatments--- I am done with that-- but I can't help but think I've had natural pregnancies where the egg implanted where it was suppose to....sure it miscarried, but it traveled from the tube to the uterus. Or are all these feelings of "not done trying" merely a method of self protection in order to avoid the letter writing exercise. Regardless, I clearly have a way to go before I am ready to move on.
On a recommendation of a friend, I have decided to try Mayan Massage. The premise here is for a variety of reasons, a woman's uterus can sometimes fall out of position a bit causing an array of issues-- PMS, miscarriages, infertility, blood circulation issues (varicose and spider veins), digestive issues etc. Often the woman is told "you're uterus is tipped, but you have nothing to worry about." Well, I'm one of those women that have been told such and am curious to learn more. The Mayan Massage works to get your organs back in line so to speak thus improving some of the issues listed above. I certainly don't have the expectation that all my infertility issues will be resolved, but I also have nothing to lose at this point-- at a minimum I receive a relaxing massage and if something else comes of it, such as PMS relief, bonus!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment