399!

Finally, a bit of good news--my levels dropped dramatically to 399. A month ago I was rooting for increasing hcg levels. Now nothing would make me happier to have them in the negative. Hopefully the trend will continue.

With my mind put at ease a bit, the reality of our situation hit me the other day. George and I will not have biological children. Wow. I need to repeat that-- George and I will NOT have biological children. That notion smacked me in the face and I suddenly felt profound sadness. Of course I knew that was the direction we were headed, but I guess I haven't really dealt with it yet.

In my previous posts I don't think I mentioned this second ectopic ends our journey to get pregnant. We will not be pursuing anymore fertility treatments-- we are finished. This wasn't an impulse decision by any means. I nearly had an emotional breakdown in the fall which told me I was done. The impact of the first ectopic was mammoth-- it shook us to the core. The shock of it, the severity of it, the confrontation with my own mortality--- this is huge life stuff. So when I started the next round of IUIs with injectables this past October I wasn't ready to go through it again-- I was, however, ready to be done. I agreed to continue the IUIs so I wouldn't wonder what if, so I could comfortably check the box and know we tried. Ensuring I could check the box is critical for me to be able to close this horrible chapter. This second ectopic was the 2nd of 3 IUIs. Even if I wanted to pursue the last, I don't think my doctor would be on board.

The road ahead will not be easy, George and I have some tough stuff to work through before we can begin the next chapter. But knowing the current chapter is coming to a conclusion we are also feeling something we haven't felt in a long time: relief.