Moth or Butterfly?

Lately I've been giving a lot of thought to what it means to survive. In my "about me" sentence at the side of the page, I mention I'm a thirty-something woman struggling to survive the journey of infertility and while true, I'm struck at how profoundly sad that statement is. I mean, who wants to just survive? Who wants to be in a place where the best you can do is go through the motions of life every day-- an empty shell of the person you use to be? That's kind of how I feel-- I'm not living, I'm surviving. I still need to put on a facade, build a protective wall around me and avoid almost all things "pregnant." I'm still mending, scar tissue continues to form over my wounds and as with the physical scars I've gained during this journey, I'll have these emotional scars forever. They're my battle wounds, each has a different story to tell.

Our experiences make us who we are and who we become. It remains to be seen the impact the last three years will have on the totality of my life. I feel like I'm in a cocoon waiting to emerge. How will I emerge? As a moth or butterfly? If I continue to "just survive" I will be on the moth track. However, if the last three years result in my becoming stronger... wiser... even an eventual better parent... if I don't allow the last three years to take away from who I am, rather add to who I am... if a persevere... if I overcome, that may put me on the butterfly track-- a beautiful, majestic butterfly at that.