Waiting

So, this is the inaugural post to my first blog. I have to admit I'm a bit apprehensive about putting all my crap out there-- but there is some comfort in anonymity. What is my quest? I guess ultimately my quest is for a family, but for now I'd settle for relief, closure and moving forward. That's a tall order as anyone going through infertility knows. I've been on this quest for 2 1/2 years now and after 2 miscarriages and a recent life-threatening ectopic (resulting in the removal of one of my fallopian tubes), I'm exhausted, but I march on. We are on try 2 of 3 IUIs with injectibles-- I take a pregnancy test the 23rd and am apprehensive of the results--whether it be positive or negative. Apprehensive that if its negative I will fall apart and go to a dark place that will not be easy to return from. Apprehensive that if it is positive I'll be waiting for the other shoe to drop--Will I have another miscarraige? Will it be another ectopic? On and on it goes....and intellectually I know this line of thinking isn't helpful-- but its my reality. That's not to say I don't have moments of hope, I do-- in fact I wouldn't be putting my body and soul through this if I didn't have at least a little bit of hope.

So I try to take it day by day, moment by moment, deep breath in and deep breath out...that's all I can do.