Processing

Over the past month, my emotions have run the gamut and as of late I've been feeling a bit stuck. In February we had a "regroup" appointment with my Doctor. In one word I would describe the meeting as sobering. Of course I knew going in she wasn't going to suggest we continue to go forward with IUIs -- but to hear her talk of my extreme high risk of ectopic pregnancy even if we were to get pregnant on our own was a punch in the stomach. I became comfortable blaming the fertility drugs for the ectopics, telling myself this wouldn't happen if we got pregnant on our own-- in a way I needed to believe that so I good hold on to that tiny morsel of hope. She went on and walked us through the IVF option. I found myself getting excited and actually considering it, my husband on the other hand completely shut down. He didn't want to hear it-- he was done with fertility treatments. I certainly wasn't saying "Let's do it." But, we are down to 2 options-- adoption and IVF and I really need to be sure we pick the right path. Over the past couple of weeks I have had some time to examine my feelings and try to figure out why the idea of IVF appealed to me, when it never had in the past. The obvious answer is in the past, I had options-- now the only option I have for pregnancy is IVF. Sure that's a part of it, but I knew there was something more-- what was I trying to hold on to? The simple answer to that is I'm having trouble letting go of this desire to experience a pregnancy. It's like a primal need I'm instinctively searching to fill. How does that go away? Frankly, I don't think it ever will and how do I deal with that in a way that allows me to move forward?

Today, I can honestly say the IVF option isn't all that exciting to me. I cannot risk having a year remotely similar to the one I just survived-- and I don't just mean the loss of three pregnancies. I mean all that goes with fertility treatments: the shots, the doctors appointments, living my life by my cycle, the impact of the hormones, etc.

After talking to a friend of mine last week, who recently adopted, she reminded me the primal need I'm feeling will not go away completely and waiting for it to disappear before moving forward wasn't realistic--however, once I have a baby in my arms that is what will matter and frankly that was the gentle push I needed. George and I will begin our way down the adoption path-- proceeding at our own pace. We'll start talking to adoption agencies and doing some basic research and see where that takes us.