More Tough Stuff

I understand anything worth having isn't easily achieved. But for the love of God, haven't I put in my time? Doesn't 4 failed pregnancies and all the emotional and physical bullshit that goes with it enough? Doesn't that earn me some credit?? We were thrown for a loop this weekend. We were told the birth mom wanted us at her next appointment-- when the sex of the baby could be found out. We were thrilled. I emailed her asking her if we could come and for us the meeting served 2 purposes-- 1st to meet her in person and 2nd to get more engaged in the pregnancy. So when her response came, we were puzzled. Her response was: "...after some thinking, I think I would rather see how you two live first." What does this mean? I understand her wanting us to meet face to face for the first time when it is not her Doctor's appointment-- but again we were told she wanted to offer this. And what exactly is meant by "SEE how you two live..." Kind of thinking it sounds like she wants to come for a visit, see our neighborhood, see our house. Quite honestly that is something we are NOT interested in, in fact, if this is her wish this is a worst case scenario for us. We do not want to be in a situation where a birth mom thinks she can show up at our house and even worse yet co-parent. Of course, we do not yet know if this is her intention-- and even if it isn't we are not OK with her coming for a visit. And what if her coming out here is a non-negotiable condition of hers? If it is, then I fear we will have to say good-bye and good-bye (once again in the short term) to being parents.

Is 2011 the year?

It has been awhile since my last post. We started this year in wait mode. Though arguably we've been in wait mode of some sort or another for a number of years. We were told by our adoption specialist that for most, the "wait period" is the hardest. For me, that hasn't been the case. It is out of our hands and thus out of our control, my focus is to live our lives. The last 4 years-- now those were hard. Those years were hell. This current wait period-- piece of cake.

We started the year with good news and I saw it as a sign of greater things to come. I finally got my upgrade at work. Why is this a big deal? I work for the State and the shitty economy meant I've been on hold since 2008 for my promised upgrade. I understood and was patient-- I was patient when we received furloughs, I was patient when receiving pay cuts. I reminded myself at least I had a job and I was grateful, knowing it could be worse. It took my co-worker leaving for another opportunity for it to happen, but it finally happened. The upgrade couldn't have come at a better time-- let me tell you folks adoption isn't cheap. And of course it will be worth it in the end, but still the cost does cause one to wince. The upgrade not only comes with a greater paycheck, but greater opportunity at work. I am working on projects that gave me a needed re-energizing spark-- an opportunity to learn and be challenged.

When this happened I thought after 4+ years of mediocrity and hell could 2011 be the year? Could this be the year when things actually turn for the better? Imagine that.... what a wonderful thing that would be.

The second month of 2011 saw me turn 40. Wow....40....blech. Age hasn't bothered me too much in the past though this year it has caused me to be introspective. At 40, I certainly didn't expect to still be in this struggle to have a family. I worried that 40 would make us less attractive to birth moms, who would want younger couples to parent their child. But it was out of my control-- no time machine to take us back. And while I am 40 years of age, I certainly don't feel 40. I do think 40 is the new 30 as that's how I feel-- ok maybe more like 35--- but definitely not 40.

At the end of February I emailed our adoption specialist inquiring about how much exposure our profile was getting. I figured we had been active for 2+ months and this was enough time to do a check. My email resulted in a near immediate phone call from Kelli and I thought, damn that's good service. She mentioned we were getting great exposure and she was receiving great feedback on our profile she further mentioned she was going to call us as this was a birth mother interested in us. She saw our profile on their website and she fell inside our "parameters" with the exception of 2 things. For those of you not familiar with the process, before going active, George and I had to sit down and decide what we would accept in an adoption scenario-- including, race, medical history and drug use of birth parents, budget, semi-open or open adoption, etc. This birth mom was outside our budget and wanted an open adoption. Budget-- not a huge issue-- we would borrow additional funds if we felt the situation was right. Open adoption? hmmmmm... that's a tough one. We had previously turned down 2 other situations in part because the birth moms wanted an open adoption. I learned of some of the details of the birth mom and talked more about what an open adoption would mean-- she wanted a commitment of annual visits. For whatever reason I wasn't bothered by this, neither was George. For some reason we felt a connection with her-- how could this be? We had limited information, we knew her age, knew her Dad and step-mom were part of her support network and few other items. George and I decided we wanted to move to the next step-- setting up a phone call with her. She was lovely. First impression was she has a good head on her shoulders and just so happen to find herself in this situation. I felt maternal toward her. We asked what drew her to us-- I mean there are thousands of couples on that website. She mentioned when she discovered she was pregnant, she was 6 weeks confused and alone. She was weighing her options and looked into adoption. She saw our profile and immediately felt a connection, she got emotional when reading our "Dear Birth Mother" letter. She said we seemed educated and well-rounded, George had a kind face and I was cute and had a great smile. She mentioned that she went with American Adoptions because of us. Wow... how do you respond to that? She mentioned it was strange for her to feel this connection with us when we didn't even know she existed. Again...wow. We were speechless, I was so moved by this, no words could amply express it. I told her we were touched and humbled. Humbled was truly the best word to describe it. I can't help but think fate played a role in this--she first saw our profile in December-- likely very shortly after we became active. She was moving forward with her adoption plan with us in mind and we had no idea. After our introduction phone call, George and I had to wait. It was in her court, we could only hope she liked us as much as the idea of us from our profile. Now, THAT wait was dreadful! 24 hours later we heard she loved us and wanted to move forward. Holy shit... we are going to be parents. This past week was devoted to paperwork and wiring funds. Holy shit, did I mention we are going to be parents?

Next week we will find out what to expect in the coming months-- including an opportunity to meet the birth mom sooner rather than later. She is due September 5-- WE are due September 5th. Now, a lot can happen between now and then-- there are still risks, but I'm trying not to focus on that and instead allow myself to be happy with being matched with a lovely and courageous birth mom.

So yes, 2011 does appear to be looking up. Holy shit... did I mention we are going to be parents?

Active!!

It's official, we are active! Our profile is now being shared to potential birth parents. Now we wait for word of a match.

Yikes!!

Owner's Manual on Babies-- Check.

Home Study-- check
FBI Clearances-- check
Adoption Profile Created-- check
Masses of paperwork submitted- check

Holy crap. This is going to happen. I mean this thing is REALLY going to happen. Some time next week we are likely to be activated-- meaning our profile will be available to birth mothers. Sure, it could still take several months, but the focus over the past few months has been on the process-- getting our home study complete, getting our clearances and other background checks complete, creating our profile, etc. Process, process, process. So much so, there has been no thought to actually having a baby. But this week I started thinking-- "Holy Shit, I better get some books-- I'm not going to know what to do!!" Next week is a milestone. Next week we start to wait. Next week we better start reading!

Dear Birth Parents

George and I have officially been approved. We've "passed" the home study. Frankly, it never occurred to me we wouldn't pass and I'm glad I never realized it was a possibility as it would have been one more thing for me to stress out about. With the home study done, we've been working on our profile. The profile is essentially where George and I market ourselves to a potential birth mother. We write on many different topics all intended to give the birth mother a feel for who we are. We also have to write a letter to the birth parents-- straight from the heart-- below is ours:

Dear Birth Parents:

Thank you for taking time to learn about us, we are George and Angie. Although we have tried hard to imagine how difficult this decision is for you, we know we can’t ever fully understand. But please know this, should we become a part of your decision, we will honor your courage and selflessness and make sure your child knows of this and of your love for him or her.

We met the week of 9-11 while living in Washington, DC. We became great friends and even gave each other dating advice. A year or so later, we started dating and have been together ever since. We moved to Colorado in 2005 and married in 2006. Our relationship is built on a foundation of friendship and love. We are best friends and know each other better than we know ourselves. We look forward to sharing George’s generosity and compassion and Angie’s enthusiasm and strength with your child as he or she grows and matures.

In our home, your child will be surrounded with warmth and love. Our friends and families have wanted this for us almost as much as we have—and together we will provide your child, with the love any parent, grandparent, aunt or uncle gives their child, grandchild, niece or nephew. We will love your child even before we meet him or her. We will shower your child with hugs and kisses, he or she will even get puppy kisses from our dogs Happy and Porter. Your child will not want for affection.

In our home, your child will be provided with endless encouragement. We want your child to know no bounds to what he or she can do. Growing up, we were both taught the value of hard work and education. Every success we’ve achieved can be credited to our hard work and pursuit of education and it is our intent to teach this same value to your child. Whether ballerina, President of the United States, Olympic Athlete or nuclear physicist, we will do everything in our power to help him or her realize their dream.

In our home, your child will know fun and laughter. Humor and fun have played an integral part in our lives and we love to make each other laugh. We will live for the sound of your child’s laugh. We will play games and read books. We will play catch in the yard and build forts and imaginary castles. We will play hide and seek and throw the ball for Happy and Porter. After a day playing in the snow, we will curl up by the fire to warm our hands and toes. We will play and swim in the pool and cool off during hot summer days by eating ice cream. We will hike and camp and enjoy the beautiful Colorado outdoors. Most importantly, we will cherish our time spent together as a family.

Our journey to become parents was one filled with challenges and heartache but ultimately led us here and for that we are grateful. We are honored and humbled at the opportunity to parent your child. We will love, support and nurture your child unconditionally. We are excited to start this new chapter in our lives and watch each other become Mom and Dad.

If you choose adoption and choose us—your child will know of your strength, courage, love and selflessness. We look forward to keeping you involved in your child’s life by sharing milestones and stories with you through photos and letters. It is a privilege to be considered in this important decision and hope this letter is able to provide you with some measure of comfort.

With all our hearts,

George and Angie

A new appreciation for me.

George and I have been going through our homestudy, which is a necessary step in the adoption process. For the last and final meeting George and I met individually with the social worker. Prior to that meeting we had to fill out various questionnaires. The questions focus on describing our childhood, our relationships with our parents at various times growing up, drug and alcohol abuse, issues in our marriage and so on. I had a lot of trouble answering many of the questions-- these weren't fill in the blank questions, rather check the box (es) that best describe blank-- for instance check the box(es) that best describe you as a child. Shouldn't be too difficult, right? I did not have a Norman Rockwell-esque childhood and I struggled with how honest to be when answering questions. I didn't want to jeopardize our chances of becoming parents. For instance, describing myself as a child-- I really don't remember how I was as a child-- I don't remember being happy, I don't remember being sad, I don't remember being carefree, I simply don't remember. Describe your relationship with your dad-- I had 30 to40 adjectives to choose from, yet none of them seemed to quite fit-- I marked the box "other" and hand wrote "complicated". It seemed every other question caused me considerable pause as I struggled to answer. In the end, I was as honest as I could be. While I came to terms with things from my childhood and adolescence many years ago, its still not something I enjoy rehashing.

Sitting with the social worker and talking through my answers, was emotional to say the least-- we sat there for almost 90 minutes. George's session lasted 30 minutes. George did have a Norman Rockwell childhood-- he really did. To his knowledge there were never any problems or issues-- everything was just fine. Of course that wasn't the case, but he never knew that--his parents never fought in front of him and shielded him from virtually every and any potential conflict. This tactic, while well meaning, created a different set of issues as George emerged into adulthood-- but for all intent and purposes, George's childhood was happy and carefree.

My discussion with the social worker led to a light bulb moment-- as we went through my life talking through everything, I realized on paper I have every right to be unstable-- but I'm not, I have every right to be beat down--but I'm not, I have every right to be in need of serious therapy--but I'm not. I am resilient. I am strong. I have taken every punch life has thrown at me and I'm still standing tall and proud. I feel wiser beyond my years and I am certain all these things will make me a better parent.

What I Learned on Vacation.

In no particular order:

1. Happy (one of our dogs) is Houdini incarnate. Night one of vacation- George and I grabbed a bite to eat, the dogs stayed in the car-- also in the car was all our food and plastic jugs of water. Now mind you we have a Subaru Outback with the dog guard, so they were in the hatchback area-- food in the backseat. When we came out from the restaurant, Happy was in the backseat in the middle of devouring the food--- Cliff bars, trail mix, fruit snacks, dog treats, etc. She also stepped on and punctured one of the water jugs, thus causing water to pour out all over the backseat. How was Happy able to knock the seat down and get out of the hatchback area? Why did she enjoy Cliff bars more than the trail mix?

2. Just because the calendar says August, doesn't mean it won't snow.

3. Bugs; I don't like them. I try to act like bugs don't bother me, but the honest truth is I get a bit squeamish. Especially with flying ones that remind me of a big ass tick and make a thud sound when they hit the car. One day when we were driving through the Many Glacier area of Glacier National Park-- we had pulled off to the side of the road. We were told a grizzly and her cubs were expected to come through the meadow we were at. So there we sat waiting. I was standing up through the sun roof, when I started to hear "thwack"-- couple seconds later "thwack"- few seconds more-- "thwack" and so on. This flying-beetle-tick bug was all over the place and the hair on the back of my neck started to stand up. I started to panic a bit (on the inside), but managed not to completely freak out. A bit later when we were back in the car driving, I felt something on my neck and practically went into a panic convulsion. George- who nearly drove off the road due to being startled from my body suddenly jerking, pulled over. He barely had the car stopped when I whipped open the door and practically ripped my shirt off to get the bug off of me: there was no bug.

4. Leave the dogs at home. While, overall I enjoyed having them on the trip. They are limiting. In National Parks you can hardly have them anywhere and though we managed to find places both outside Yellowstone and Glacier to day board them so we could go enjoy the parks, we always had to make sure to be out of the park early enough to pick them up.

5. Don't be afraid to have lunch with people you don't know. We had lunch one day at a little cafe known for their pie. The place was packed and there was a wait. The restaurant asked if we wouldn't mind sharing a table with two other couples-- we said "sure"-- though a bit hesitant. It was a great lunch-- one couple in their fifties was from Alberta, and the other couple, late sixties, was from the area. We had a great conversation. The Alberta couple had recently climbed Mt. Rainier and was in town for a wedding, and the other told us about Huckleberry Ice Cream. A couple times a year this couple makes the trek from their home to Glacier (about 2 hours)-- they stop for Huckleberry Ice Cream on the way over to the cafe for lunch, they then head back. They were adorable, they were what I imagine George and I to be at that age. Still razzing each other and thoroughly enjoying spending time with each other-- still.

6. It's not nice to scare older people. I scared the crap out of that adorable couple I mentioned above. The gentleman left his jacket at the cafe and left before we noticed. We turned it in to the cashier. While in line to get back into Glacier, I saw them in the line next to us-- I jumped out of the car and ran up to their window from behind, when I placed my hand on the car and started talking to them they gasped and recoiled as if they were about to be car jacked-- I'm lucky I didn't cause any heart attacks. He did, however go back to retrieve his jacket.

7. When going hiking in grizzly country, it is best not to read about Timothy Treadwell aka "Grizzly Man" the night before. For whatever reason, George read quite a bit about Timothy Treadwell in particular, details of his death--which in case you're not familiar with his story-- was due to a grizzly attack. So, when we went for a hike a bit off the beaten path in Glacier and saw the "warning, you're hiking in grizzly country" sign at the trailhead, he started to get a bit concerned-- unbeknownst to me. When I asked the Ranger about bear sightings, he said the rule of thumb is you can see a bear (black or grizzly) on any trail in the Park. He mentioned to talk real loud and make noise on the trail. Off we started on the trail, within a few minutes George started clapping his hands and making a "woot, woot" noise. A couple minutes pass-- "woot, woot" another few, "woot, woot." He finally fesses up that he's a bit freaked due to what he learned of Treadwell the night before-- which he shares with me. A few minutes later, I'm clapping and wooting. Never did see a bear.

8. Yellowstone is cool, but Glacier...Glacier is my new favorite place.