Over the past month, my emotions have run the gamut and as of late I've been feeling a bit stuck. In February we had a "regroup" appointment with my Doctor. In one word I would describe the meeting as sobering. Of course I knew going in she wasn't going to suggest we continue to go forward with IUIs -- but to hear her talk of my extreme high risk of ectopic pregnancy even if we were to get pregnant on our own was a punch in the stomach. I became comfortable blaming the fertility drugs for the ectopics, telling myself this wouldn't happen if we got pregnant on our own-- in a way I needed to believe that so I good hold on to that tiny morsel of hope. She went on and walked us through the IVF option. I found myself getting excited and actually considering it, my husband on the other hand completely shut down. He didn't want to hear it-- he was done with fertility treatments. I certainly wasn't saying "Let's do it." But, we are down to 2 options-- adoption and IVF and I really need to be sure we pick the right path. Over the past couple of weeks I have had some time to examine my feelings and try to figure out why the idea of IVF appealed to me, when it never had in the past. The obvious answer is in the past, I had options-- now the only option I have for pregnancy is IVF. Sure that's a part of it, but I knew there was something more-- what was I trying to hold on to? The simple answer to that is I'm having trouble letting go of this desire to experience a pregnancy. It's like a primal need I'm instinctively searching to fill. How does that go away? Frankly, I don't think it ever will and how do I deal with that in a way that allows me to move forward?
Today, I can honestly say the IVF option isn't all that exciting to me. I cannot risk having a year remotely similar to the one I just survived-- and I don't just mean the loss of three pregnancies. I mean all that goes with fertility treatments: the shots, the doctors appointments, living my life by my cycle, the impact of the hormones, etc.
After talking to a friend of mine last week, who recently adopted, she reminded me the primal need I'm feeling will not go away completely and waiting for it to disappear before moving forward wasn't realistic--however, once I have a baby in my arms that is what will matter and frankly that was the gentle push I needed. George and I will begin our way down the adoption path-- proceeding at our own pace. We'll start talking to adoption agencies and doing some basic research and see where that takes us.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Bald Face Liar, The Truth.
1. Swam with Sharks. True.
Granted they were the more docile Black Tip Reef sharks...stingrays were also present. What's a Tahitian honeymoon without a shark swim thrown in?
2. Hung out w
ith wild animals on the Capitol Hill. True.
No I'm not talking about the politicians, though in that sense it is also true. During my time on the Hill Jack Hanna came with some of his animals to promote conservation. Drinks and appetizers with a lynx, condor and lemur just to name a few.
3. Drank with Ray Liotta and Peter Buck in Seattle bars. True, sort of and not at the same time. Really it was drank near Ray Liotta and Peter Buck. Ray Liotta was in Seattle filming a movie and he passed a friend of mine and I on the street. We tracked (stalked) him to a bar, where we met and got a photo with him. Peter Buck's (REM) wife (ex-wife now?) owned the Seattle's famed Crocodile Cafe, where many grunge bands got their start. Peter Buck would frequent the Cafe both as patron and owner.
4. Stranded in the Colorado Wilderness. True. My husband and I went off-roading and attempted to go over Tin Cup Pass in the Sawatch Mountains. Though it was early October, there was already quite a bit of snow-- the Jeep got stuck near the top of the pass where it nearly slide off the road (and down the mountain). With our dogs, we had to walk 7 miles through knee deep snow--completely unprepared for the conditions we were in-- to the nearest town, St. Elmos which is a ghost town. While walking, we couldn't help but notice the various large scat (never imagined I use the word "scat" in my blog) scattered about. While I have never actually seen the excrement of a bear or a mountain lion--- I knew what I was seeing at the time was the scat of a a large wilderness dwelling animal! It was well into the night by the time we made it to St. Elmos and we luckily found someone that actually lived there year round . He made a few phone calls to a tow company and hotel on our behalf and drove us 11 miles to Mt. Princeton, where we stayed the night. God Bless the good Samaritan. The folks at the hotel had the restaurant stay open for us and even cooked the dogs some dinner. The next day after several hours and several hundred dollars, we were able to get the Jeep off the pass and we headed home.
5. Back up Dancer for Chris Issak- True. My husband and I saw Chris Isaak in Atlantic City a few years back and as part of the show a handful of women from the audience are brought on stage to hang out on stage with Chris and the band and groove to a tune.
6. Acting Debut in Michael Moore's Roger & Me- True. Though exaggerated and since it was a Documentary, it wasn't really an acting debut and I didn't really know I was in it until it was out. In High School I was in choir and the choir was invited to sing at the GM's executive Christmas Party. Michael Moore was there filming. Really I was only on screen for mere seconds and was mortified.
Granted they were the more docile Black Tip Reef sharks...stingrays were also present. What's a Tahitian honeymoon without a shark swim thrown in?
2. Hung out w
ith wild animals on the Capitol Hill. True.No I'm not talking about the politicians, though in that sense it is also true. During my time on the Hill Jack Hanna came with some of his animals to promote conservation. Drinks and appetizers with a lynx, condor and lemur just to name a few.
3. Drank with Ray Liotta and Peter Buck in Seattle bars. True, sort of and not at the same time. Really it was drank near Ray Liotta and Peter Buck. Ray Liotta was in Seattle filming a movie and he passed a friend of mine and I on the street. We tracked (stalked) him to a bar, where we met and got a photo with him. Peter Buck's (REM) wife (ex-wife now?) owned the Seattle's famed Crocodile Cafe, where many grunge bands got their start. Peter Buck would frequent the Cafe both as patron and owner.
4. Stranded in the Colorado Wilderness. True. My husband and I went off-roading and attempted to go over Tin Cup Pass in the Sawatch Mountains. Though it was early October, there was already quite a bit of snow-- the Jeep got stuck near the top of the pass where it nearly slide off the road (and down the mountain). With our dogs, we had to walk 7 miles through knee deep snow--completely unprepared for the conditions we were in-- to the nearest town, St. Elmos which is a ghost town. While walking, we couldn't help but notice the various large scat (never imagined I use the word "scat" in my blog) scattered about. While I have never actually seen the excrement of a bear or a mountain lion--- I knew what I was seeing at the time was the scat of a a large wilderness dwelling animal! It was well into the night by the time we made it to St. Elmos and we luckily found someone that actually lived there year round . He made a few phone calls to a tow company and hotel on our behalf and drove us 11 miles to Mt. Princeton, where we stayed the night. God Bless the good Samaritan. The folks at the hotel had the restaurant stay open for us and even cooked the dogs some dinner. The next day after several hours and several hundred dollars, we were able to get the Jeep off the pass and we headed home.
5. Back up Dancer for Chris Issak- True. My husband and I saw Chris Isaak in Atlantic City a few years back and as part of the show a handful of women from the audience are brought on stage to hang out on stage with Chris and the band and groove to a tune.
6. Acting Debut in Michael Moore's Roger & Me- True. Though exaggerated and since it was a Documentary, it wasn't really an acting debut and I didn't really know I was in it until it was out. In High School I was in choir and the choir was invited to sing at the GM's executive Christmas Party. Michael Moore was there filming. Really I was only on screen for mere seconds and was mortified.
7. Climbed Mt. Rainier-- Lie. Though this is on my list of things I would love to do.
Bald Face Liar, Maybe
1. Thank the person who gave this to you. (Thanks for the nomination Chris)
2. Copy the logo and place it on your blog.
3. Link to the person who nominated you.
4. Tell up to six outrageous lies about yourself, and at least one outrageous truth - or - switch it around and tell six outrageous truths and one outrageous lie.
5. Nominate seven "Creative Writers" who might have fun coming up with outrageous lies.
6. Post links to the seven blogs you nominate.
7. Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know you nominated them.
Truth or Lies?? Details to soon come.
1. Swam with sharks.
2. Hung out with wild animals on DC's Capitol Hill.
3. Drank with Ray Liotta and Peter Buck (REM) in Seattle Bars.
4. Got stranded in the Colorado Wilderness.
5. Danced for Chris Isaak.
6. Made my acting debut in Michael Moore's 1989 Roger & Me
7. Climbed Mt. Rainier
As for nominations... well, since I am new to the blogging community, I don't even know seven bloggers to nominate!
2. Copy the logo and place it on your blog.
3. Link to the person who nominated you.
4. Tell up to six outrageous lies about yourself, and at least one outrageous truth - or - switch it around and tell six outrageous truths and one outrageous lie.
5. Nominate seven "Creative Writers" who might have fun coming up with outrageous lies.
6. Post links to the seven blogs you nominate.
7. Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know you nominated them.
Truth or Lies?? Details to soon come.
1. Swam with sharks.
2. Hung out with wild animals on DC's Capitol Hill.
3. Drank with Ray Liotta and Peter Buck (REM) in Seattle Bars.
4. Got stranded in the Colorado Wilderness.
5. Danced for Chris Isaak.
6. Made my acting debut in Michael Moore's 1989 Roger & Me
7. Climbed Mt. Rainier
As for nominations... well, since I am new to the blogging community, I don't even know seven bloggers to nominate!
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Inspirational Quote of the Day
A friend of mine sent this to me and I thought I'd share (Thanks Chris!)
"Strength does not come from winning.Your struggles develop your strength.When you go through hardship and decide not to surrender, that is strength."
Amen!
"Strength does not come from winning.Your struggles develop your strength.When you go through hardship and decide not to surrender, that is strength."
Amen!
Top 10 irritating things to say to a woman going through infertility:
10. It COULD be worse...
9. At least you have a spouse...
8. You just need to relax and it'll happen...
7. If my husband just looks at me I get pregnant.
6. After the loss of a preganancy: It wasn't meant to be, but I'm sure it'll happen soon.
5. Why don't you just adopt?
4. Parenting is really tough work anyhow...
3. I know how you feel, it took us 3 months to get pregnant.
2. I'm pregnant!!!!
and #1 (drum roll please....)
1. At least you know you can get pregnant!
9. At least you have a spouse...
8. You just need to relax and it'll happen...
7. If my husband just looks at me I get pregnant.
6. After the loss of a preganancy: It wasn't meant to be, but I'm sure it'll happen soon.
5. Why don't you just adopt?
4. Parenting is really tough work anyhow...
3. I know how you feel, it took us 3 months to get pregnant.
2. I'm pregnant!!!!
and #1 (drum roll please....)
1. At least you know you can get pregnant!
Monday, February 15, 2010
Happy Birthday to me!
Wow, time flies. Didn't quite realize it had been so long since the last post. During me time away I found out my HCG levels are continuing to decline (last week they were 38) and I turned another year older...39. I can't say the latter was a celebrated event. I anticipated being in a much different place than where I currently am. Last year at this time I was only a couple of months into pursuing fertility treatment. I had hope. I had been scarred by only one miscarriage. I had no idea what grief I was in store for in the coming months.
I've been chewing on something from my last therapist appointment. I mentioned my frustration at the feelings of desperation I was experiencing. I described I was feeling almost manic, wild-eyed at my need to hold onto some hope or illusion that pregnancy will happen for me. I was angry and frustrated at myself for this, I want to be able to move forward and these feelings of desperation postpone it. I relate desperation to weakness. I want to be able to move forward and accept my fate with strength...with grace (if that's possible). My therapist asked one question that has stuck with me... "Where is your compassion for yourself?" My response: "Huh? Compassion for myself? Why would I have compassion for myself?" Frankly, it never occurred to me to allow it. I'm much better at beating myself up, that's what I know....I'm not sure I know how to have compassion for myself. But it's something I probably should work on because I know I won't be able to close this chapter until I do.
I had my consultation and Mayan Massage today. I walked out of there feeling good, as if my body said "this is what I've been waiting for." I don't know if I'm completely buying into all of it at this point or if anything will come of it, but on the surface it makes some sense to me that your body can become out of whack over time and if at the very least this experience can provide me with some tools to assist in my search of peace, then what the heck.
I've been chewing on something from my last therapist appointment. I mentioned my frustration at the feelings of desperation I was experiencing. I described I was feeling almost manic, wild-eyed at my need to hold onto some hope or illusion that pregnancy will happen for me. I was angry and frustrated at myself for this, I want to be able to move forward and these feelings of desperation postpone it. I relate desperation to weakness. I want to be able to move forward and accept my fate with strength...with grace (if that's possible). My therapist asked one question that has stuck with me... "Where is your compassion for yourself?" My response: "Huh? Compassion for myself? Why would I have compassion for myself?" Frankly, it never occurred to me to allow it. I'm much better at beating myself up, that's what I know....I'm not sure I know how to have compassion for myself. But it's something I probably should work on because I know I won't be able to close this chapter until I do.
I had my consultation and Mayan Massage today. I walked out of there feeling good, as if my body said "this is what I've been waiting for." I don't know if I'm completely buying into all of it at this point or if anything will come of it, but on the surface it makes some sense to me that your body can become out of whack over time and if at the very least this experience can provide me with some tools to assist in my search of peace, then what the heck.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Slow progress but progress nonetheless...
Last week I received another bit of good news in that my levels continue to go down, albeit slowly. It would appear I am out of the woods. Additionally I was given the green light to partake in alcoholic beverages. That night George and I toasted to the milestone, one beer later I was ready for bed! Slowly but surely I am returning to some normalcy.
Admittedly my emotions are all over the board-- while I am looking forward to not living my life based on what day it is in my cycle there is sadness in the finality of ending the fertility treatments and of letting hope of a successful pregnancy go. I don't know if I will be able to let go of the latter. I think I will always cling to at least a little bit of hope that it'll work out-- some day. Unfortunately at this point I think I'm clinging to desperation rather than hope-- not enough time has passed to let that transition occur. My therapist mentioned writing a letter of goodbye to our biological child--- besides the obvious feelings of grief and sadness this thought brings me, I am also terrified. Terrified first, to even go though--- the pure anguish this exercise would cause makes me want to avoid it at all cost. Terrified second, because I don't know if I'm ready to say goodbye, or ready to stop trying (key the desperation). This is tough to make sense of, not even sure I can. When I say I'm not ready to stop trying, I don't mean fertility treatments--- I am done with that-- but I can't help but think I've had natural pregnancies where the egg implanted where it was suppose to....sure it miscarried, but it traveled from the tube to the uterus. Or are all these feelings of "not done trying" merely a method of self protection in order to avoid the letter writing exercise. Regardless, I clearly have a way to go before I am ready to move on.
On a recommendation of a friend, I have decided to try Mayan Massage. The premise here is for a variety of reasons, a woman's uterus can sometimes fall out of position a bit causing an array of issues-- PMS, miscarriages, infertility, blood circulation issues (varicose and spider veins), digestive issues etc. Often the woman is told "you're uterus is tipped, but you have nothing to worry about." Well, I'm one of those women that have been told such and am curious to learn more. The Mayan Massage works to get your organs back in line so to speak thus improving some of the issues listed above. I certainly don't have the expectation that all my infertility issues will be resolved, but I also have nothing to lose at this point-- at a minimum I receive a relaxing massage and if something else comes of it, such as PMS relief, bonus!
Admittedly my emotions are all over the board-- while I am looking forward to not living my life based on what day it is in my cycle there is sadness in the finality of ending the fertility treatments and of letting hope of a successful pregnancy go. I don't know if I will be able to let go of the latter. I think I will always cling to at least a little bit of hope that it'll work out-- some day. Unfortunately at this point I think I'm clinging to desperation rather than hope-- not enough time has passed to let that transition occur. My therapist mentioned writing a letter of goodbye to our biological child--- besides the obvious feelings of grief and sadness this thought brings me, I am also terrified. Terrified first, to even go though--- the pure anguish this exercise would cause makes me want to avoid it at all cost. Terrified second, because I don't know if I'm ready to say goodbye, or ready to stop trying (key the desperation). This is tough to make sense of, not even sure I can. When I say I'm not ready to stop trying, I don't mean fertility treatments--- I am done with that-- but I can't help but think I've had natural pregnancies where the egg implanted where it was suppose to....sure it miscarried, but it traveled from the tube to the uterus. Or are all these feelings of "not done trying" merely a method of self protection in order to avoid the letter writing exercise. Regardless, I clearly have a way to go before I am ready to move on.
On a recommendation of a friend, I have decided to try Mayan Massage. The premise here is for a variety of reasons, a woman's uterus can sometimes fall out of position a bit causing an array of issues-- PMS, miscarriages, infertility, blood circulation issues (varicose and spider veins), digestive issues etc. Often the woman is told "you're uterus is tipped, but you have nothing to worry about." Well, I'm one of those women that have been told such and am curious to learn more. The Mayan Massage works to get your organs back in line so to speak thus improving some of the issues listed above. I certainly don't have the expectation that all my infertility issues will be resolved, but I also have nothing to lose at this point-- at a minimum I receive a relaxing massage and if something else comes of it, such as PMS relief, bonus!
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